Life without Husband

 Lately me and babudu have been fighting a lot over things. previosuly I used to feel so hurt that I used to choke and feel pain infiltering till heart now when I look at it maturely I think the stronger I will cling into it more pain and chaos it will create.

He doesn't understand a simple thing that after marriage you should prioritise and make your partner feel primary and rest of the world evolves around us. my family his family are supporting and important character in our life but nothing comes beyound us or between us. he doesnt understand that I am not unkind person after whatever his family treated me with I made it so clear that I don't want to have any relation with them it's just so traumatizing for me. he agreed to everything initially before marriage and he changed so much after marriage. I struggled and learnt to be ok around the people who hurted me part of my life. I even told him his mother can live with us ample amount of time where we go. but he keeps repeating oh my adult independent sister is my resopnsibility my mother is my responsibility then whose responsibility I am? who will think about my happiness or peace?

He is ok me contributing financially in our house but not his mother or sister. I don't know why does he selectively choose things. maybe he doesnt consider me his own after these many years together.

I am done living in unclear unprioritises misunderstood environment. if his inner child has found his way back home if it makes him happy to live and share house with his family who am I to question it or to make him understand 1000 times that I can't commute for work. I don't want to live in a hostile environement where his mother and sister once threw me out of the same place he calls his safe place.

I think I just need to bless him. people change and so did he. there is no point regretting or crying or screaming for him. I loved him with everything I had every ounce of my body living miles away from my family even though I know my life would be easy there I also sacrificed so much but just because I don't repeat it doesn't mean I did nothing for you. I even tried forgiving your mom without she even asking for an apology.

when I look back things changed when he went to Daman before our marriage. I think he was enlightened there to the core of him to the soul of him that all that matters is his family his house and I never stood a chance after that and just waiting for things to change him to understand me is just gonna hurt me more and more

we can't visulize anything together except working hard after money which feels superficial. we can't have our own home our own kids which breaks me every moment. maybe he will feel the space with someone while I am left broken he has his house family maybe a dog.

but if I go back to India would this so called patriachal society accept woman earning for herself and not succedding in marriage, living with a taboo of divorce. Have I entered into death trap?

I struggled and came out of so many storms in my life but this? it's just so clueless that I feel I would need another life to fix my mistakes. I am unable to live in this toxic marriage and the other things that comes after marriage ends I would just sink in and give up.

Dear God, you know I have never given up on my life and people as long as I know I have a purpose to server in their life and make any difference. at this stage while a heart wants to live a peaceful content life somewhere out there in the world do I stand a chance now? I am running out of will power and zeal to live. the thing that kept me going after this physical pain was zeal to live where will I find it? how will I deal with people whom I love turning against me? How will I ever fight them? will I be understood all this thoughts just sinks me in.

I am surrendering myself God, I am yours since eternity just in this cruel world where I failed to find love again and again let my love for you shine brighter than anything. let me blend in the universe the pure air, the fire, the forest.

 let my people live peacefully. I love you everyone. I thank you for being part of my life. showing up when I needed you the most in some form. these many years on earth were memorable because of you. do cherish me when I am gone. laugh in my memories.